I have to admit I am someone who thinks a lot...*in a bad way*
..and finally when I couln't take all little annoying 'troubles' around me...
they piled up...and eventually...It was suffocating.
I re-read my personal diary, and started to realised it was simply me, myself, who is worrying too much. Everything wasnt as bad as I had thought; and yes I over-reacted in everything.
I had always tried to be that best daughter in the family, that best student in class...tried to be the best. Was it the expectation from others? or from myself? I didn;t know.
I realise what they want me to be, and who i really am..is just, a different person.
I am sorry , mum and dad; I am still that very stubborn daughter with bad temper who cries all the time. I've tried to be that traditional-chinese-good-manner-lady-ladish-daughter you guys wanted me to be; yet i couldn't help jumping around like an idiot or crying my head off sometimes....well, most of the time. But that is who I really am.
I am sorry, sis; I am still learning how to be a good elder sister who knows the best for you and talks to you in an non-aggresive manner. But I am learning, to be patient and caring; just give me some more time.
I am sorry, teachers; I am not your top student who you had always thought i am. But I always give my best shot and I never regret for no studying harder.
I am sorry, aunt and uncle; I know you guys worry about me especially when I am home late...I really tried and I am stll trying very hard not to cause any worries and troubles. But sometimes I just want a little getaway. I believe I am old enough to know what I am doing.
It is time for me to make some decisions for myself now.
I don't want to be the best,
but myself.
I am not perfect, i am not the top.
So, just get over it.
What do I have now?
-I have my family who are still willing to support me and my study.
-I am in Pharmacy...even though it is such a tough course...I realise a part of me is really enjoying it. Working with costomers and patients...youngs and olds...It is just such a big reward when they say "Oh hey! you're working today! how are you? Thanks so much for your help... hope you have a nice day too...see you next time!...take care...", with that genuine smile. And that old man coming in on Sunday...saying "young lady you have a beautiful smile"...He, and all of them, really brighten up my days, even when it is a depressing day for me deep down.
-I have my club...still can't believe it all started with just a joke...but from handing in the applications in starting a new club...to our first meeting...first rehearsals...first performance...to now 2009, everyone is working so hard and are so committed. I am so proud, of everyone and so thankful, that
M@P had really taken off beautifully.
-I have my good girlfriends whom i've met since high school...and uni...and even work...that are always willing to hang out with me, muck around about hot and cute guys... relationships... uni...work...gossips...most importantly, they are caring and always happy to give me this super mega warm hug whenever I need.
-I have my cool guy-buddies who always try their best to cheer me up when I am down, even when I normally spend most of my time mucking around, teasing them and being evil....those who laid their trust on me and share their problems with me...I really appreciate it.
-And of course, I have a stable and sweet relationship which I have no reason to have doubts in. A person who i can always turn to...who is always here for me...who really cares for me and know how to guide me back on track. Our memories had been beautiful, and I am sure there are lot more to come. He is everything I've ever wanted. And I should stop worrying and having so much doubt on myself which had been driving me nuts. Back to basics. Faith.
My life is not perfect, nor me.
But think about it, I have eveything I've ever dreamt of. My course, my career, my friends and my relationship.
Why would I ask for more?
I am content.
Seriously.
It had always been me, and myself...
Problems that I can only solve by myself.
Time to really step out of my own circle and think from the outside.
Clear my mind...and save some space for something more practical, instead of spending my time stressing, worrying and over-thinking...
Serotonin reuptake inhibitos are definitely not something I need now.
If it was two days ago, I would be so desperated for it.
But...I've found my own happiness, I've always have it...
I have the person I need.
I have everything I need in my life.
And I am thankful, very thankful indeed.
There are so much more to learn in life...
let me take one step at a time.
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,
show life you have a thousand reaons to smile"
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